It certainly has been a fucked up week to say the least. Probably the worst week of the year. Lost my ipod and cap, then no longer feel the same but today's Apel lesson was really something useful.

We were talking about support systems and i know for a fact that my family isn't one because everyone already judges me and when u need help, you don't wanna find people who judge you. I think of friends and i realise that after pong left for china, i never really found anyone i could trust to tell everything. He and me, we would play soccer then go eat and talk about stuff, but now, i don't feel comfortable telling people shit, cause most just misplace your trust. Friends i was close with, no longer feel that way. Its like I'm going left and they right. People i would have done anything for, i no longer feel anything in the friendships. Strangely, i couldn't be bothered by it. A few months ago, i definitely would have been,but now, its like I'm sick of society and everyone. Can't be bothereed because i know my "friends" like forget about me for most of the time and only come around when they have noone.

Without my ipod for the last couple of days, I've been thinking alot more on the bus and stuff and i realised way back from pri sch, i was always abit more mature than normal and that always made me be alone. But a year in CJ and all that popularity thingy got to me and even in TP, some times i dont behave like my true self, one that when my "friends" see, they definitely will not recognise/like. Yet, i am no longer bothered by whether they are there or not. I guess for a guy, i am in touch with my emotions more than the rest. Call it being me emo and whatever, but like Mr Goh said, its only macho bullshit that makes you behave worse. Now i wanna be like my pri sch and sec sch self. I don't care if that means living like an anti social, but at least i think that knot in my chest will be gone. But i know myself, i still want some social interaction, so i cannot really be me.

Its funny how losing an ipod can stir up such thoughts, but it was a part of me, just like my cap. Some asshole took them and also, the most treasured gift i got for my b'day this year. Getting a new one wont replace the feeling, cause it was something special to me. I guess people just don't get the way i think. And that makes it harder to trust people, cause if there isn't at least one person who can understand you, then whats the point in confiding, even if they don't judge you?? To me, it doesn't make sense.